Epic Default Productions

In this new weekly article, I review a game every week, using a scale I deem appropriate for the game. This week, I review Grand Theft Auto 4: The Lost and the Damned.

(-full.uncensored.male.nudity.-)

(Apologies to those who saw this early: lawl WordPress scheduling. Also, this is tagged LTTP because it fits the profile to a degree, and also because CW’s idea is a damned good one.)

I acquired a copy of Call of Duty 4 for 360, used, after continued insistence from a console-supremacist friend. CoD4 itself was nothing new to me — having owned the game on PC since release, in addition to previously being a fan of the series — but I figured it afforded me a chance to make a straight apples to apples comparison between platforms. Indeed, CoD4 has been hailed as a truly sublime console shooter, came in second only to Microsoft’s Halo 3 for Live activity in 2008, and was only recently usurped by its Treyarch-developed sequel, World at War, while still regularly appearing in the top ten. In all, it’s pretty clear that Infinity Ward did something very right in every version of their game, PC and 360 alike.

To be entirely honest, though, I played my 360 copy only once. One time. I started CoD4, played a round online with the aforementioned friend, and then immediately shelved it. My mind had already been made up; there was no way the console version could match up to the Windows release. This is a typical line of thinking for me, one challenged more and more as I’ve come to own current consoles, but still a common first assumption.

This past weekend, I played a few intense rounds of laser tag. In an effort to be, and I quote, “tactical as hell,” I spent most of the game crouched — an action, which, as it turns out, is a lot harder than it looks. As my thighs ached, reminding me just how out of shape I really am, the urge came upon me to play some Call of Duty 4. This left me with two options, and I chose the option that allowed me to recline comfortably at the couch. “At very least,” I thought as the 360 began spinning the disc, “I can give the two a proper comparison.”

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It’s now time for the almost obligatory console rundown. It seems that if you have a gaming site/blog you need to have one of these, and since we are attention-craving whores, I’ll bite the bullet and put one up here. But I’m going to give it a little spin, and talk about the console avatars, seeing as how now it’s almost certain Microsoft will be hopping on this little bandwagon that just rode into an ambush by the Cherokee.

I use that metaphor simply because I want to ask why? Why do we need these things? To me, avatars, gamer pics, and miis are the most useless things in gaming today. Sure, they were fun to make and a perfect waste of time…when I was 12 and making them on various sites online for absolutely no reason other then I had nothing better to do. Which, in my opinion, is exactly what they are for, wasting time, and in Microsoft’s system (gamer pics), money…sorry… points. They already have your money.

Don’t believe me? Look at the Wii. It came out with Wii Sports, a game that forces you to make a Mii. Which was fine, I have no problem with that. It actually was a good social activity. Then there was Wii Play, which had the same concept. Make a Mii (or use the one you have), and play the game with them. At least with this system, it made you feel that you were creating something that was useful.

Then what happened? Miis began to drop into supporting roles, or even off the spectrum. They became crowd members, product spokesmen, random car drivers for no apparent reason except to further infuriate you…hell…they’re barely being used in Wii Fit. They could at least be the one’s calling you fat. That way, at least something that could almost be considered a friend is doing it, instead of some random stranger.

Not enough evidence yet? Go look at the Check Mii Out channel. Actually no, I’m getting ahead of myself. Go look at the Miis on one of your friend’s Wiis. I can almost guarantee you’ll find Hitler. That’s right, Adolph Fucking Hitler. You certainly know it’s a waste of time when there are people out there who have nothing better to do then to make the most vile human being to ever walk the planet into a Mii. Still not enough? Let’s go back to the Check Mii Out channel. Within the first five minutes you will find: a cat girl, Darth Vader, a penis complete with balls, a vagina, and a set of tits. If you have to resort to making that sort of stuff as an avatar in order for creation of an avatar to be fun, stop wasting your time, and start sculpting. A penis made out of marble will definitely give you more satisfaction, and probably money as well.

Waste of time.

Let’s look at the PS3. Now, I’ll admit, I take great joy in bashing the PS3. But I’m not bashing the games. I think the games that have come out have…been… well last year the games that came…out…. okay, now that Metal Gear Solid 4 is out they…should…I’m sorry, no games on there really interest me other than Metal Gear, Uncharted, Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy. So maybe I do bash the games. But I’ll give you that the processor is more powerful than anything else out there. However, that’s still no excuse to say it’s better. I’m a “seeing is believing” kind of guy, and so far, all the games are PC graphics, with the possibility of them being the tiniest bit sharper. When the day comes that the processor is being used to it’s full potential, it will be cheaper. Think about that, PS3 owners.

Hey, it has Blu Ray…that’s good, right? Well, I’m not going to touch the HD movies, because honestly…I don’t care. Turn purple yelling at me about how it’s the greatest thing ever, and I’ll just sit and watch our DVD up converter get close enough to the sharpness of Mike Meyers’s acne scars. True, it allows for more information on a single disc, but the reader is too slow. Yeah, there are a lot of loading screens on the Xbox and Wii, but I’d rather sit through a few 30-second loads, then a gigantic 20-minute install. That’s part of the reason why I’m not a PC’er.

I’m getting way off topic though so back to avatars. I have nothing bad to say about PS3′s version. They are virtual representations of something human. “NEW CONCEPT ALERT!” his scream called, dripping with sarcasm. Awesome! I can actually have something that somewhat resembles who I actually am, in non-caricature form. Wait…I have to pay for clothing and houses? Shit.

That’s where my beef is. Home itself. A little too far in the virtual reality realm for my tastes. I have enough reality to deal with in actuality. The biggest annoyance is the movie sharing. You invite a virtual friend, to a virtual house, to watch a real movie, on a virtual television. Thank you, but I’ll pay 20 bucks for the DVD and invite my real friends over, and watch it on the gigantic big screen that my roommate had to get (after months of prodding and horrendous annoyance on my part) just so I can read the in game text of your games. Plus, it’s hard to play drinking games on the honor system.

Waste of fucking time.

Now, Microsoft is jumping in the virtual-self market. From what’s been leaked, they look like a pleasant mix between the comical Miis, and the true to form home Avatars. Where it loses it though, is that they have no point. No reason to live if you will. They are supposed to replace gamer pics. No games, no worlds, just your gamer pic.

So basically, Live is going to be like AIM, when they decided to introduce avatars. Pointless computer generated bodies of some sort just to clutter your screen even more. Maybe if we’re lucky, they’ll animate a pelvic thrust for all those Halo players out there, but other than that, why are they there? Knowing Microsoft’s track record, you’ll probably have to pay money…dammit I keep screwing that up…points to get different aspects, like say, a head, or maybe feet. Not sure yet.

Waste of mother fucking time!

Where did this trend start? Why do we have virtual selves? I’m a gamer. When I turn on a console I want to play games. If I wanted to role-play I’d play D&D, or sexually confused games by Squaresoft…or find a girlfriend. Get rid of them, please! Or at least give them a point,

Maybe let them bend air or something.

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