Epic Default Productions

Let’s be honest with ourselves; 2008 wasn’t a good year for gaming, it wasn’t a great year for gaming, hell, you might think it was a landmark year for gaming, but none of these descriptions are really accurate.

It was, however, the first year the gaming industry was downright cruel to its consumers.

I’ve been trying, really trying, to get through every A-list title of 2008 — I’m not even close to beating most of them, and still haven’t even touched Prince of Persia, Fallout 3, FarCry 2, Fable 2, or Mirror’s Edge (among others I’ve probably forgotten). But, the end of 2008 is upon us, so despite this huge gap in my gaming experience this year, it’s time to make my picks for the first-annual Epic Default Ten.

Thankfully, it doesn’t all have to be games; indeed, the bent to this set of awards is pretty irreverent. Let’s get started, shall we?

Best game that will make you say really vile, horrible shit to friends and loved ones if you’re not careful: Boom Blox (EA, Wii)

My roommate picked up Boom Blox recently (putting us only six months behind the release proper), and it turns out this game is dangerous stuff. A simple four-player fight between myself, the aforementioned roommate, my brother, and a local friend, quickly devolved into a World War 1-style series of treaties and backstabbings.

When the alliances and dust finally settled, the propaganda machine roared to life — by the end of the match, I was branded an elitist homosexual pedophile, my brother was dubbed an obese drug-addicted welfare case, my roommate was called out for being a robot with a hook-shaped penis sent from the future to kill us all, and we all steadfastly believed our local friend was a government agent, one really into watersports.

As it turned out, we also lost track of three hours in the process. We gave some earnest but hasty apologies, and have been extremely cautious with the game ever since.

Best “YOU’RE TOO SLOOOOW!”: Super Smash Brothers Brawl (Nintendo/HAL, Wii)

When we got Brawl, I was unemployed, and decided a productive use of my time would be to unlock all the characters and stages. Upon completion of that goal, I set about trying to become really good with Sonic, and, for a while, I managed to be pretty decent at playing him. Then, several other games came out, and I lost track of Brawl in the resulting shuffle.

Now, when my friends and I play the latest Smash Bros. (an occasional thing, usually brought on by alcohol), I play as a slow, retarded version of Sonic; being so completely out of practice will do that to a person. Our favorite blue hedgehog was, however, granted a secret weapon — a taunt so irritating that Kirby’s “HAAAAAAI” from Melee pales in comparison.

“You’re too sloooow!”

“You’re too sloooow!”

“You’re too sloooow! You’re too sloooow! You’re too sloooow!”

With this taunt, I anger my opponents, causing them to make sloppy mistakes in an effort to kill me so I’ll shut the fuck up. Edge retained.

Most Neighbors Terrified: Dead Space (EA Redwood Shores, 360/PS3/PC)

Indeed, in Dead Space (like previous horror/survival titles), I let myself get carried away in the gameplay, and end up spouting off whatever initial reaction comes to mind. The resulting chorus contains old standbys such as “OH MY GOD!”, “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK AAAAAAAAAA!”,  “SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!”, and “YEAH! EAT IT BITCH, EAT I- OH FUCK OH FUCK!” among others. Indeed, no game since Bioshock has garnered such visceral reactions from me. For sheer physiological reactions, see the next category.

Greatest Blood Pressure Increase: Midnight Club: Los Angeles (Rockstar San Diego, 360/PS3)

At it’s core, Midnight Club: LA is a solid arcade racer in tradition of the series. However, it inherits more than just excellent graphics and gameplay from the earlier titles — it also brings back the demonically, insanely hard enemy racers. Racers that are punishingly adept on even medium difficulty. Slight error in a turn? You lose the race. Sideswipe another vehicle? You lose the race. Blinded by the gorgeously-rendered in-game sun? You lose the race. I’m not a man who frustrates easily, but Midnight Club has had me angry enough to literally scream at the TV and throw down the controller. Or maybe throw the controller at the TV, and just scream; I can’t recall, the game is very frustrating.

Supposedly, a recent patch eased the difficulty curve, but our TV is broken and I can’t check.

Most Tim Curry: Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3 (EA Los Angeles, 360/PC/PS3 eventually)

Yeah, sure, Red Alert, must-have for any fan of the series or genre, blah-blah-blah. The real reason to get Red Alert 3 is Tim Curry. You may remember him from such films as, oh, I don’t know…

Ah, yes, he’s in that one. Curry’s (to borrow a term from my ex-girlfriend) as delicious as ever, and plays the bombastic Premier Cherdenko in RA3′s cutscenes. The other actors are no slouches, and the B-movie goodness of the whole set is great, but the game wouldn’t be what it is without Tim Curry.

Oh, also, the game is pretty good.

Worst ISP: Qwest (Qwest Communications International, Inc., Internet Service Provider)

Now, bear in mind that I come from Fairbanks, Alaska. Until just recently, the only telcos in town were Alaska Communications Systems or ACS (through which I still have a cell plan) and General Communications Incorporated or GCI. These two beasts, the former providing DSL, the latter, cable, were the only two internet service providers in town (a two-party monopoly only broken by the arrival of AT&T this year). They were also draconian in the worst sense of the word — peppering users with copyright infringement letters, charging through the nose if their arbitrary bandwidth caps were exceeded, foisting anti-Net Neutrality propaganda on their customers, all while price-fixing and gouging local clientele (indeed, where else could one find internet access?).

But I must say, at least our GCI connection was somewhat consistent.

My roommate and I have internet through Qwest, and it’s simply terrible. It’s impossible to play games online during peak hours, and during said hours if an image is loaded (image, mind, not to speak of video) or voice chat is used, our modem hemorrhages packets. We’ve upgraded the connection, paid for new hardware, called tech support a number of times, even had an actual on-site rep try to fix it, and each time, our troubles are eased for a week, maybe two, before going back to Shit City. We’re switching to Comcast or Speakeasy this week, and maybe then we can play Left 4 Dead online without teleporting around like a non-kick-ass version of Nightcrawler.

Most M-Rotors: This is My Milwaukee (unknown, ARG)

Alternate Reality Games are basically my catnip. It’s as though they went to a focus group consisting of several clones of me, and asked them “what do you like?”

“Games!”

“Reading!”

“Independent research!”

“Data mining!”

“Online videos!”

The researcher asked “what if we made a game that included all these things?” at which point the focus group simultaneously jizzed their collective pants and passed out. And thus, the Alternate Reality Game (or ARG) was born.

The latest ARG, thisismymilwaukee.com, has reawakened the pant-jizzing focus group that lives in my head, and now I’m having trouble thinking of anything but the game. So far, it’s a delightful, surreal combination of seemingly Lovecraftian horror, and light-hearted Tim and Eric / Look Around You-esque humor — to boot, it isn’t an apparent advertisement or plug for anything yet (unlike previous ARGs). I can’t get enough, I can’t stop. Thanks for linking it, Jonny. Thanks.

No, wait, not “thanks.” What’s that other thing like it?

Oh, right. Fuck you, Jonny. Fuck you.

Best Videocard You Probably Shouldn’t Try to Put in a Small Formfactor PC: ATI Radeon HD 4870 1GB (ATI, hardware)

This card is very big, and very hot. My Shuttle is the size of a shoebox, and would very hot even without a videocard. Suffice to say, the performance is great, both run at the temperature of molten lava, and I had to pull my optical drive out to keep everything functional. Is it worth it? Maybe not, to most people, but I run Call of Duty 4 at full resolution, detail cranked up, between 60-90fps. Valve games run even smoother. It’s awesome.

I highly recommend this videocard, but make sure your power supply and case can handle it before you buy.

Most Childhoods Raped: Dungeons and Dragons: Fourth Edition (Wizards of the Coast, Pen and Paper)

I started playing D&D in middle school, with second edition: “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons,” specifically, which encompassed Baldur’s Gate / 2. My first character was a gnome (at the time, for the +1 Int bonus), and gnomes remained my favorite race through D&D2, D&D3, and up to D&D3.5.  As details on D&D4 came forward, it was leaked that gnomes and half-orcs were being considered for removal; this news really pissed me off to the point of boycott. Then I learned what the replacements were.

Tieflings and dragonborn. Yes. Tieflings and dragonborn.

Gary Gygax’s corpse wasn’t even cold, and they decided to throw wide the doors to the fucking otaku, a demographic that likes to sleep with pillows painted to resemble anime characters, who eschew the sublime majesty of Planescape: Torment in favor of Final fucking Fantasy. They decided to openly embrace teenagers with hair swept over one eye who listen to bands like AFI and write on myspace about the fact that nobody understands them.

Admittedly, I’m overly passionate and decidedly illogical about this topic, but fuck those motherfuckers. I’m sticking to 3.5ed until they bring back gnomes*.

*I mean in the player handbook, I don’t care if they’re playable monsters, that’s like equating them to kobolds you prick.

Best Cultural Capital: Seattle (Washington, metropolitan area)

I’m not going to talk your ear off on this item: indeed, I tell nearly everyone “You should come to Seattle, I think you’d like it.” To put it succinctly; great people, delightful culture, Microsoft, Nintendo, and Valve all in the region, Pac-Man ghost graffiti. Perhaps most importantly, PAX is here, and there’s no overstating how great PAX is.

Seattle is a great place. I think you’d like it.